


I Really Hate You, But Love You All The Same.

by ilikeshipping



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Bands, Gay, Hookups, Love, M/M, Romance, discovering sexuality
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-08
Updated: 2013-08-11
Packaged: 2017-12-22 20:13:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/917568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ilikeshipping/pseuds/ilikeshipping
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Basically Ashton is feeling pretty messed up and Luke just sorta adds to it all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey. This is just a one shot between a not-so-very-popular-ship-of-mine. Enjoy, and leave some advice on my writing. As I am still getting better.:)

Ashton clenched his jaw, scowl stretched across his tanned features. It was literally etched onto his face. Nothing changed. The same expression all day. Calum joked once or twice about his face staying like that. But Ashton didn't care. 7 am and the tour bus came to a halt. The curly haired boy got up from bed and walked into the tiny room at the back of the bus where Luke and Michael were sleeping. A soft smile played on his plump lips as he stared at the younger boy. Luke was gorgeous. His messy dirty blonde hair, falling effortlessly over his sleeping eyes. His beautiful smile, that sat upon his face. He was peaceful. Ashton's face hardened again. Why the fuck was he feeling like this? He huffed and stormed out of the room and off the bus.

They had arrived at the arena early this time. Some random place in the UK. But wherever it was, it was fucking cold. He was only wearing a baggy tank top with a blink 182 logo on it and some skinny jeans. He had forgot to change last night, due to his fowl mood. He sped up his pace, entering the semi warm arena. He spotted a head of curls standing at a desk talking to a few people so he made his way up to the figure. "Morning, Harry." Ashton greeted. Harry smiled warmly and turned back to end the conversation with a few of the crew members. "So.. How come you're up this early mate?" Harry asked, smirking. "I don't know. Was just sick of that stupid bus. I couldn't sleep that well." Ashton replied, following Harry to wherever the hell he was going. "Few things on your mind then, Ash?" Harry asked, his tone light. Ashton kept quiet. Yes there were a lot of things on his mind. The fact that every time he asked Luke to do something with him, Luke blew him off for Calum or Michael or even Niall. Ashton was getting annoyed, and frankly.. a bit jealous. Ashton simply mumbled a "Nothing" and grabbed a coffee from the counter they were standing at.

Harry led Ashton into the huge room, that wasn't as big as the other arenas. "This isn't as big as the other one's we have played." Ashton said quietly, after taking a long gulp of coffee. Harry smiled. "This is got to be one of my favourite places to come. The crowd is so small, but makes the same amount of noise as the 02." Harry started. "This is where me and the boy's first played on the X factor tour. The first ever country to travel too, and put on a show." Harry smiled, gazing at the stage before them. "Where are we?" The older boy asked. "I have no clue where we are." Ashton added. "Scotland." Harry simply replied. The place was pretty cool Ashton thought. The buildings that he was looking at outside of the bus window, were nicely designed and held some amount of variety in them. Scotland seemed nice. Harry turned to Ashton, eyebrows raised. "Is this not where Calum's dad is from?" Ashton nods. "Yeah, Calum's half scottish."

A couple of hours later the rest of the boy's woke up and Harry went away to see some friends out about in Glasgow. Luke, Calum, Michael and Ashton were all doing a sound check. "Ok. Calum can you start off by singing 1 to 10 into the mic please." A gruff voice groaned out. Calum did as he was told as did the rest of the boys. It was Ashton's turn to play the drums to hear if everything sounded okay. He played a random song off of the new album, then went back to sulking. They started playing Heart break girl, to get a feel for what would be happening on this new stage. Ashton half heartedly drummed along, the steady beat for the guitarists. All of a sudden the music stopped and the only one who was playing was him. He stopped and looked up to the 3 other bandmates looking directly at him. Calum looked annoyed, Michael also and Luke.. Well he couldn't tell what he was thinking. "What are you all staring at?" He simply asked. "You!" Michael snapped. Ashton flinched. "What the fuck is up with you, Ash? You have been acting like a right dick head the past few days." He shouted. This was different for Michael, he is usually not the one to shout. Ashton clenched his fists and stood up from the stool. "No. Don't try and shove this dog shit in my face! It's more like what the fuck is up with you! You are the one's constantly leaving me out, like the bestfriends you are. Just because I'm the oldest doesn't mean I like doing things on my own! So fuck off and get off my case!" Ashton screamed. The 3 others were startled by Ashton's sudden outburst. He hadn't shown any real emotion the past week and they were all torn between relief, and anger. Ashton was seething. He couldn't believe they were turning this on him. No way was he standing for it. "I've had a lot of things on my mind lately. I couldn't talk to anyone because you were all out doing your own thing. I'm scared of my feelings right now, and I don't have friends to go to. Jesus christ, none of you even care what I feel. You didn't say anything when I wasn't speaking the whole week. So just fuck off and leave me alone, like you usually do. I'm done here." He said, tears threatning to fall from his eyes.

He stormed out to the bathroom. He rested his head against the mirror and then began to wash his face. Why the hell is he crying? Crying over what, exactly? He started having weird thoughts about Luke when they are together and he didn't want to feel such things about his best friend. He didn't want to be gay either. He enjoyed sleeping with girls? So why the hell is he feeling like this? "Ash?" A voice came from the door. Ashton looked up to find the blonde boy he was falling for. He tore his gaze from his and growled. "Fuck off." Luke winced. "What the hell is going on?" Luke asked. Ashton looked up at the boy and got even angrier. "You wouldn't understand." He said grabbing a paper towel and wiping his wet face. "I would understand if you would explain, Ash." Luke said gently stepping closer to the older one. Luke placed his warm hand onto Ashton's back. Ashton flinched, but then relaxed. He turned around to face Luke. He was so cute, his lips were sort of in a pout and his eyes were staring back at Ashton with a worried glint in them.

Ashton pulled Luke near and attached their lips, leaving no space between them. Luke's eyes went wide as he pushed away from Ashton. "What the fuck Ashton?" Luke screamed. Ashton felt sick, physically sick. Why in the world would he do that? Luke is straight and so is he. His eyes began to water again. All of the hope of Luke kind of liking him back was gone, just like that. He gave the younger boy one last look and walked straight out of the bathroom. He headed out of the building and started heading somewhere random. Somewhere just so drown his feelings away. He walked for a bit and came across a small pub on a busy street corner. He walked in and sat down at the bar. He ordered a beer and it came almost straight away. He thanked the bar tender and downed the whole thing. He went through about 4 pints and a girl with naturally blonde hair sat beside him. She asked for something he didn't hear. She then turned to him and she grinned. "Aren't you Ashton? From 5sos?" She said, excitedly. Ashton nodded, drunkenly and smirked. "Yeah." He replied, slurring his words. "I'm coming to see the show tomorrow." Her eyes widened once again. "Are you drunk?" She asked. Ashton just nodded he was too wasted to even reply to her. "Wanna have some fun?" She poked at Ashton's exposed chest and pinched his t-shirt. Ashton led her back to the tour bus and went to the back bed room where Luke sleeps. He didn't care who's room it was, he just wanted a nice fuck. He pulled his t-shirt over his head and started kissing the blonde. His drunken kisses led down her neck until he started sucking aimlessly leaving little purple bruises on her neck. He started to remove her clothes. This is what Ashton liked, a good fuck around and that's exactly what he's getting.

"I never seen him all last night." Calum said to Luke. Luke twitched slightly as the entered the bus. Luke didn't know where Ashton went but he knew why he took off. Calum climbed into his bunk and logged onto twitter replying to some fans. Luke was tired after staying out all last night with Michael so he decided some rest might clear his mind a bit. He opened the door to see two bodies laying on his bed. Luke frowned. It was Ashton and some random girl. Luke felt sick to his stomach. "What the actual fuck?" He called out placing his hand over his eyes. Ashton went out and just found himself someone to fuck. Calum came running in and his eyes widened. Michael slowly approached the door after just returning from breakfast with the one direction lads and almost brought it back up. Ashton heard voices, and he started to come too. He rubbed his eyes and opened them slowly. He rolled over feeling a body beside him. He silently begged to god that he didn't do what he thinks he did. He did. He moaned and crossed his arms over his face. He wants to cry. He heard shuffling so he opened his eyes and sat up. Three sets of eyes were fixed on him and a random whore he picked up last night. Luke was pale, and had bags under his eyes and Michael just looked disgusted. Calum was already acting on his feelings. He poked the girl and told her to get out. And.. well she did. "What the hell did you do, Ash?" Luke said, after the others left the room. "I don't know." he replied. 

"I think I'm gay."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things sort of get cleared up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have only been to 2 tmh concerts and the 2 I went to I cannot remember what happened on the stage for the boys due to me screaming rude things at them;) But yeah I will just make things up. So .. Yeah! Enjoy.

Luke looked stunned. As was Ashton, he was bright red, his face as warm as the sun. Not really. Luke scratched the back of his head and coughed. Ashton just sat there staring Luke down. What was he thinking? Luke finally spoke. "Have you told your family?" Ashton shook his head. "The thing is Luke, I don't like all boys. The only boy I like is you." Ashton said meekly, biting his  _already_  short nails. Luke just gave a slight nod. He slowly sat down on the bed and put his head in his hands. He groaned and looked back up at the weak older boy. "Why did you fuck her?" Luke demanded, looking dead serious. Ashton would usually throw back a joke, but this is not the time for it. " _Why_ did you fuck her?" He asked again, anger spread across his features. "I-I don't know. I was angry and upset. I was drunk and I wanted to feel loved." Luke stared at Ashton, so he continued. "I wanted you to love me." He whispered. "I like girls, Ashton." Luke said simply, getting up and walking out of the room. 

Ashton broke down. He pulled the covers over his head and cried himself into a sleep. 

_"All you are Ashton is a fag" Luke called, kicking him in the gut. Calum laughed from behind him. "No one could ever love you. You are just a pathetic little child." Another kick to the gut. "Die, Ashton. Just die, no one even wants you around anymore." Michael called. Harry suddenly emerged and began to call Ashton's name. Ashton just lay on the ground, crying. He is just worthless. And he shouldn't be gay. He isn't fucking gay. He clawed at his hair and screamed. "I'm not fucking gay!" He screamed again, scratching his face with his nails. Harry bent down and started to shake him, calling his name over and ove-_

_  
_"Ash, mate wake up! The concerts in a couple of minutes." Harry shouted, looking down onto Ashton's tear stained face. Ashton immediately sat up and rolled out of Harry's grasp. "Give me a couple of minutes and I will be ready" His voice was strained. Harry walked out and closed the door. He scrambled around Luke's very messy room and found a t-shirt. It said 'Nirvana' on the front. It smelled like mango and Luke. It went nicely. He shoved it on and a pair of Luke's black skinny jeans. The knees were ripped, but he could put up with that. Ashton shoved on a pair of black converse and headed out to meet Harry at the front of the bus. "Ready?" Harry asked, beginning to walk. Ashton nodded and followed Harry. "Were you having a nightmare? You were shouting weird things." Harry chuckled. "Yeah. A nightmare." He repeated. They got into the arena and Ashton waited until he was told to go on the stage. The video on the screens started and they all quickly got into places on the darkened stage. Ashton was not up for this. But he shook himself and put a smile on his face.

The set went smoothly. He just acted normal in front of the fans. The other boy's didn't really look the road he was on, considering he was at the back of the stage. They said thanks and played the last song of their set and then eventually scrambled off of the stage. Usually they don't wait around for the One Direction lads because the concert was really long. So they went back to the tour bus. Ashton ignored them, and they didn't speak to him either. He climbed into his bunk and went on his phone. He logged onto the main band account on twitter and started reading the fans constant pleads for them to follow their account. He followed about a hundred people and replied to people's messages and mentions. He soon got bored of twitter and listened to some music. The music stopped, as he got a text. He unlocked his phone. 

From: Harry Styles:)

Hey mate. Mind coming over to our tour bus? Me and Louis wanna speak to you. Don't bring the others. Just yourself. x

Ashton smiled. At least Harry still cared about him. He quickly replied a 'Yes, okay. x' and headed across the carpark. He knocked on the bus door, and just let himself in. Zayn was sleeping on the couch and Niall was playing fifa. Liam was sitting next next to Niall on his phone. Ashton nodded to Niall and smiled at him. He didn't want to be ignorant. He made his way to the back of the bus where Harry and Louis were. They gestured for him to sit down. "Are you alright, mate? You have been a bit down in the dumps recently." Louis said, giving him a small smile. He nodded in response. "A lot of shitty things are happening to me right now." Louis looked at Harry then back to Ashton. "We called you over to tell you.. That we know what's wrong.. With you know.. Luke." Harry said. Ashton's head snapped up. "How did you know?" He asked. Harry chuckled. "You sleep talk and you were screaming things about you're 'not fully gay, but gay for Luke.' It was kind of funny." Harry added, smirking. Ashton's eyes were wide. With fear and relief. He finally has someone to talk to about it. "So we called you over here, because we can help you." Louis informed. "Me and Harry are gay, Ash. And we can help you with anything." Ashton literally choked on his own spit. He grinned widely. " Seriously? Together?" He asked, excitedly. They both nodded. Ashton let out a whispered scream. "We can't come out due to reasons with our management. But yeah, we are." Harry added sadly. Ashton's smile dropped again and he sighed. "I think I'm gay, but only for Luke.. You know?" Harry nodded. "We also know you aren't on speaking terms with the boys so.. Just hang out with us yeah?" Harry said, standing up. Ashton nodded viguresly and stood up too. "We have a spare bunk. So you can stay with us for a week and then you are going home for your break." Harry said cheerily. Maybe this is better for Ashton. To stay away from the boys for a while. Get his head around everything. And get back to being.. Ashton the perky one.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rain, rain, rain and a leak of sunshine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go:)
> 
> **PLEASE NOTE, NONE OF THIS STORY HAS BEEN EDITED, OK? OK.**

It's been a week since Harry and Louis asked Ashton to stay with them. It's been a week since he has spoken to any of his best mates. And frankly.. he's doing alright. So far. Harry had took him to a festival that was happening in England for a radio show. Ashton hadn't listened to a lot of music, since he had been doing a lot of his own singing. So, he accepted and went a long with Harry and had one of the best times of his life. They both got drunk out of there heads. Danced, met some weird people and listened to some good music. As well as getting pissed drunk, it was pissing down. Everyone was dancing in the rain, splashing around. Harry was dragged away by one of his friends and Ashton was too busy to even notice. He danced around in the rain, until the thunder roared in the sky. The music soon turned off and everyone was exciting, shoving on jackets, putting up their umbrellas and just leaving. Ashton was confused. Not because he was retarded, but because he didn't have anyone to leave with. He watched people walk hand and hand out of the gates of the park, why can't he have that? It's not fair. He felt himself fall to the ground. The rain still hitting off of the grass, like tiny little bullets. All he was wearing with one of Luke's old shirts and a pair of jeans. His converse were soaked right through. Making squeaky noises as he moved his toes. He held his head in his hands. The thunder was still making huge noises and there were claps of lightning in the dark blue sky. Ashton didn't think he was a weak boy, but he was. He was crying. No one would notice though. His face is already wet. He slowly tilted his head to look at the pouring rain, and screamed. Screamed his lungs out. He was no longer drunk. In fact completely sober. He stood up abruptly and kicked the mucky puddles of rain water about in the grass. He was sick of pretending he was strong. He was obviously not. He sprinted for the exit of the park and started violently crying as he ran. His shirt was heavy. So he removed it as quick as possible throwing it to where ever it landed.

Luke was near to tears. He honestly was. "Where the fuck is he, Harry? It's 4 in the morning. You can't exactly say you lost him, you were just dancing around!" Luke screeched into Harry's face. Harry looked petrified. 1. Ashton was missing in London. 2. Luke is fucking scary. Luke run a shaky hand through his hair. "Fuck it." He mumbled he shoved his shoes on and ran out of the bus door.

He ran through the streets of London. Through pouring rain, without a jacket. Just as Ashton had done. Crazy little shit, Luke thought. He just ran. He didn't want to stop, maybe he could run into Ash? Oh who was he kidding, not even himself. It's dark, raining and cold. He would never run into Ash. It was fucking London. He turned corner after corner screaming Ashton's voice at the top of his lungs. He ran for about 2 hours. He had slowed down to a walking pace about half an hour ago, feeling ill from all the running he had done. He couldn't bear the weight that he was carrying on his legs, he dropped to the ground and lent against the cold, wet wall. He pulled his long legs up to his chest and covered his head. He was fucking freezing. If he does find Ashton he will fucking murder him. He is so stupid, right enough so his Luke. He was the one who this was about, probably. He just sat there, listening to the pitter patter of the rainfall on the cement of the pavement. He heard loud footsteps trudging through the puddles, but he didn't bother to look up. It's probably a crazy old man, who's going to chop him into tiny little pieces. "Luke?" A familiar but distant voice said, shakily. Luke snapped his head up to the taller figure standing before him. "Ashton?" Luke said, in dis belief. He leaped into the air and wrapped his arms around Luke quickly engulfing his cold wet body. Both of them started to cry, hugging each other even more harder than before. Ashton pulled away, still crying. Ashton looked at him like he was some sort of whale. "You fucking dickhead! You could have died out here all alone all night in the fucking freezing cold! What the fuck is up with you? You don't even have a t-shirt on!" Luke screamed. He pushed Ashton and growled. "Why did you do that? You scared the living shit out of me, you bastard!" Luke asked, and angry. Ashton was scared, he'd never seen Luke like this ever, since he had met him. Luke grabbed Ashton by the arm and dragged him to the nearest bus station. About an hour later it was nearly seven in the morning. The first bus of the day arrived at the stop and they both hopped on, earning a lot of weird looks. For one, Ashton didn't have a shirt on, they were both drenched and looked like idiots. They didn't speak the whole ride back to the arena. When they got back the buses were about to leave to go to a hotel. They both hopped on their different buses and looked at each other before they went their seperate ways. Ashton shut the door with a sud, sniffing. He walked into 5 of the One Direction boys sitting on the couch with worried looks on their face. When they saw the dripping wet Ashton they all screamed and jumped at him, hugging him. 

Harry kept apologizing literally every two minutes, he claimed everytime that he is not " a good chaperon when he is drunk". Ashton accepted the apology and moved on. They had just finished a horrible show. Ashton felt ill. He went up to the new hotel room and hopped in to bed. About an hour later of playing star wars lego on his nintendo he was interrupted by a knock at the door. "Come in." he weakly said. The door opened and in came Luke. Ashton's eyes widened. Why the hell was here? To shout at him some more? Ashton turned off his D.S and turned the other way. The bed dipped next to wear Ashton's weak body lay. "Don't you have some bitching to do?" Ashton said, his voice muffled by the cushion. Luke never replied. Ashton sat up and turned around. They were having some sort of starin- Ashton thoughts were cut off by Luke sealing his lips to his own. Ashton was so surprised, but he melted into the kiss nether the less. The kiss was short and sweet, but boy.. it meant so much to Ashton. "Why?" Ashton finally said. Luke grinned. "Because." he paused.

"I love you, dickhead." Luke laughed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading.I'm not really happy with this, but I sort of liked how it ended:) If you want to request something written then sure, go ahead. It was fun writing this, because Lashton is probably my OTP from 5sos. Comments, kudos and bookmarks are greatly appreciated. I love you all, feel free to follow me for more 5SOS writing!:)

**Author's Note:**

> there will have to be another chapter, stay tuned and leave feedback!:)


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